This past weekend we hosted our first Club G orientation for single males in the lifestyle. As provided by most premiere lifestyle clubs, the Club G orientation dedicated to single males is useful in recognizing the unique role a single male plays in the lifestyle experience of couples (and groups). We do not want to spoil the fun of the orientation by sharing all the information in this blog post, but we do think that there are keys to successful experiences in the lifestyle for single males that you may find useful.
Single males are often generalized into one group that often has a bad reputation. While it is true that there are some single males who are not a good fit for the lifestyle and create additional challenges for other single males, we believe that there is a place for single males in the lifestyle. To be a successful single male in the lifestyle it is important to understand some of the surprising realities of being single in the lifestyle and connecting with couples/groups in the lifestyle. Below are our tips to successful experiences for the single male in the lifestyle.
Tip #1: You are not a swinger
Surprised? Some of our orientees were surprised by this too. As a single person who is not in a partnered relationship, you are not a swinger. Those in the lifestyle are consensually non-monogamous (CNM). This means that couples (and members of groups) have given explicit permission to their partner(s) to be sexually intimate with others based on the needs, desires, and fantasies of the couple/group. Single men are not in a committed lifestyle relationship and, therefore, need no such permission from a partner(s). Singles in the lifestyle are, well, single but are interested in connecting sexually and/or intimately with those in the CNM lifestyle. Here’s another surprise: Not all individuals in the lifestyle are swingers. Click here to learn about the CNM intimacy spectrum of CNM couples and groups. The importance of this tip is that single males, while not swingers, are looking to join couples/groups who are growing through a CNM lifestyle and have rules/guidelines that must be understood and respected. Joining the couple means that the PRIMARY relationship drives all the next steps and experiences, which the successful male will recognize and work to determine how they fit within the fantasies, desires, and needs of the PRIMARY relationship(s).
Tip #2: It’s actually not about you…it’s about the PRIMARY couple/group
This may be a tough one to swallow but the sexual desires, fantasies, and needs of the single male are secondary to that of the PRIMARY couple/group. The majority of couples in the lifestyle are opening their relationship to enhance their PRIMARY relationship. It is true that each individual in the PRIMARY relationship has their own needs, fantasies, and desires that need fulfilled, but the couple is exploring the lifestyle together. It is essential for the single male to talk to both/all members of the couple/group to understand what their fantasies, desires, and needs are and then explore how, as a single male, to fit in with the couple/group. It is, of course, quite possible that the needs, desires, and fantasies of the single male will be fulfilled when involved with couples/groups, but this will, for the most part, remain secondary to the needs of the couple/group.
Successful single males embrace their role. They learn about couple/group and make it their focus to fit within those desires and fantasies of the couple/group while unsuccessful males make the sexual or intimate experience about their needs only. Those that cannot appreciate their unique role with the couple/group will soon be uninvited to enjoy the lifestyle. Be genuine and real with the couple/group as you get to know the members and what they are looking for in the lifestyle. By building a relationship with everyone involved the opportunity for sexual play increases. When the couple/group is ready for a single male to be part of their experience in the lifestyle, then hopefully you will be positioned well enough to be considered. When the couple/group is interested, they will invite you as their honored guest into their sexual and/or intimate world.
Tip #3: You are an invited, honored guest of the couple/group
As an invited guest, you are being honored by the opportunity to join the couple/group in meeting their sexual needs, desires, and fantasies. You are important! Your presence in their world is a gift and an honor. Therefore you should treat the experience as such. Being humble and appreciative of this invitation is essential in long-term successful experiences. Whether the single male is at a lifestyle club, on a date with the couple or group or a member of the couple/group, or chatting on social media or text with the couple/group/or individual, you are an invited, honored guest. What you do with that honor, how you handle this gift given to you will determine your long-term success as a single male when engaging with consensually non-monogamous individuals.
To ready you for this gift, ask yourself, “How would I prepare, dress, and behave if I were to meet a queen?” Why do we describe it as “meeting a queen”? Because in a female-male couple that is focused on the PRIMARY relationship, the female IS the queen of the couple. The same is true regardless if the couple is same-sex or non-binary, the person you want to sexually engage with IS the queen or royalty, if you will. The queen is the person whose desires, needs, and fantasies are the focus in that moment. So if you’re meeting the queen…take a damn shower! We know that should go without saying but we continue to be astonished by the number of individuals who neglect the most basic hygiene activities before going to the club or going on a date. So, we will say it twice: take a shower. Trim the unruly hair around your cock and balls (no you do not have to cut to the skin unless it makes you feel sexy). Some cologne and deodorant is expected. Dress nice and for the occasion. You do not need to wear a suit all the time, but showing up in unwashed clothes or pajamas (unless pajama night is the theme) is evidence that you do not respect your role and that you will not respect the queen. Lack of good hygiene and appropriate dress is a great way to be unsuccessful in the lifestyle; couples and groups will simply not be interested in you. As you will see in the next section, it is essential that you get the above tips right in order to have a chance at success in the lifestyle as a single male.
Tip #4: Handle rejection like a pro
There are around 62 million married individuals in the U.S. Anywhere from 7-15% of adults through age 35 cohabitate with a partner. There is no way to know just how many of these married/cohabitating individuals are in a CNM relationship, but estimates run between 3-7%. We know that this is underreported in the scientific literature, so, for argument sake, let’s round to about 10% of the coupled population who may be in CNM relationships. This means that there is somewhere around 6-7 million individuals who are in an CNM relationship. Ouch! This is not a large pool of people when you consider the billions of people living in the U.S. Add to that the estimate that there are 3-7 males for every female in the lifestyle and you are looking at a very difficult challenge for single males. But wait! There’s more! Not all of those females are part of a couple or group that is interested in inviting a single male to their relationship. Some females require a lot of intimacy and connection before ever engaging sexually with someone outside of the couple/group. Some are looking for friends with benefits in varying forms. Get to know the spectrum of intimacy needs that individuals and couples/groups explore in the lifestyle by reading our previous post on the lifestyle intimacy spectrum.
All of this means that single males have a really steep hill to climb within the lifestyle. If you are looking for a “sure thing,” an easy sexual session or non-stop orgies, you’re probably in the wrong place. Your odds of hooking up are probably better at a local bar than at a lifestyle club, which is not a brothel or a sex club. A lifestyle club is a place to meet sexually open-minded people and, therefore, rejection can be quite high. Our advice is to expect rejection and take it like a pro. The stronger your relationship with the members of the couple/group the more likely you will understand why you are not (yet) invited to join the couple/group for sex or intimacy. Handling rejection with respect and with recognition that it is not a personal indictment on you is important. The couple simply may not be interested in single males or, if they are, what you bring is not what they’re currently looking for. Be cordial when rejected and work on your communication skills when connecting with like-minded people so that you earn their trust and a place in their fantasies. It is all about relationship building, which is sometimes a surprise to those who are new to the CNM lifestyle, not just single males. Your professional approach to communicating, getting to know the members of the couple/group, and understanding what you might bring to the couple/group when the time is right will support a successful experience in the lifestyle.
Final thoughts
There is absolutely a place for the single gentleman in the lifestyle world. Notice the change in terminology? We think that single males who can approach the lifestyle like pros, like gentlemen will be more likely to have success in the lifestyle. Quick and easy sex is not what this is typically about. Can it be? Of course, but the odds are really stacked against hookup sex for single gentlemen. Excel at communication and do not be pushy or creepy. Be genuine. Be interesting. But most importantly be curious about all the members of the couple/group and get to know them, as the single gentleman recognizes that the focus is on the PRIMARY relationship. Build a relationship because those who are consensually non-monogamous are IN a relationship that must be respected.
Married men playing alone: While the audience for this post was primarily the single male, married or partnered males also go solo with couples and groups. Just because you are married/partnered does not mean that these tips do not apply to you. In fact, your behavior as a single male will oftentimes reflect on your partner/spouse/group and can negatively affect others in your lifestyle world. To continue to successfully play solo with other couples and groups, following these tips will help a lot.
Single females: Many of these tips apply to single females as well. There are, of course, a lot fewer single females in the lifestyle compared to single males. Because the ratio of females to males is unbalanced the odds of a single female successfully engaging with couples/groups is much more likely than for single males. Single females are encouraged to use some of the tips above too! One of the biggest challenges we have heard from single females is the potential for jealousy of the couple/group toward the single female as well as an expectation that the female be bisexual. Not all single females are bisexual or bi-fluid, meaning that they may enjoy same-sex play in the moment and are not necessarily standardly attracted to the same sex. Single females, as with their single male counterparts, who communicate effectively with all members of the couple/group, recognize that they are secondary to the PRIMARY relationship, respectfully manage potential emotional discord, and dress for success will have successful experiences in the lifestyle as well.
Coaching for Success
Did you know that we provide coaching services through openogamy.com? It’s true! Whether you are single, in a couple, or a group, we provide lifestyle coaching services to help you on your journey. We provide these services virtually and the initial consultation is completely free! Email us at joe@openogamy.com to learn more!
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