When we talk to friends in the consensually non-monogamous (CNM) lifestyle, questions come up about the differences between “swinging,” polyamory, and concepts of “friends-with-benefits” (FWB). We have discovered that the primary differences are: 1) motivations (e.g., pleasure-seeking, personal growth/affirmations); 2) personality (e.g., introvert, extrovert); 3) the level of comfort in developing relationships with others (e.g., attachment-avoidant, attachment-anxious, attachment-secure); and the level of preferred intimacy/connection or sexual expression (e.g., oral sex, penetrative sex). Once the individual is aware of their personal “why” they want to explore CNM, those in relationships then need to explore which relationship style they want to pursure. Of course we can pursue as many of these relationship styles as we want depending on partner expectations, relationship guidelines, and our personal “why.”
Regardless of the preferred CNM relationship style preferred, every person and relationship can move to different types of relationships based on their current needs and desires. As you read the definitions below, keep in mind that the definitions can adjust based on the moment-in-time (context) a person is in and based on their personal sexual and intimacy needs that fits within their current relationship(s). There is an ebb and flow to what every person needs and how they need to fulfill those needs. The individual determines who, if anyone, is permitted in their personal, sexual space and in what ways they want to be sexual, intimate, or emotionally connected, if at all. It is impossible to state every possible twist of desire and fantasy of human sexuality in a blog post, but we should all note that there are endless desires and fantasies we all have. If we are pursuing CNM experiences then we are most commonly pursuing an opening of the current relationship (e.g., swinging, friends-with-benefits), remaining “monogamish” with our primary partner, or maybe exploring multiple relationship experiences that may be sexual, intimate, emotional, or a combination of any of these. With whom we choose to share sexuality or intimacy results in endless relationship configuration possibilities.
Relationship configurations are also on a spectrum. The most common societal form of relationship has become Male (M)-Female(F) partners (and is used below for simplicity and not to negate or forget that F-F, M-M, and all other non- or other-gendered, non-binary configurations are valid). In the CNM lifestyle, partners typically choose who they add to a M-F configured relationship. While reading the CNM relationship styles below, keep in mind that these configurations may mean in relationship to the M-F primary couple OR could also mean that the relationship is connected to only one member of the M-F primary couple. For example, a female in a M-F primary couple may have another M-F couple with which female is sexual or connected emotionally that consensually excludes her male partner. In this case the “secondary” persons in the primary M-F couple are the metamours of the M. This example is just one of so many configurations that can and do occur in CNM relationships. It will be noted below that most CNM relationships most commonly have a “primary” couple and then “secondary” relationships. Polyamorists may not always have a “primary” relationship depending on how they have structured their relationship to meet their needs and interests. Still, we most often experience a primary couple who is exploring CNM together for their personal reasons as well as for the relationship, nearly all of which are valid and should be honored (exception: see our “fixing the relationship” statement below). For those who have attended our sessions or read our blog or social media frequently already know that we firmly believe communication of your personal needs and desires are key in strengthening all of your relationships.
There are some of you right now saying, “I’m a swinger and fuck this relationship stuff.” We understand that completely! How everyone achieves that which they need from living an open, CNM life is personal and different. To say “all consensually non-monogamous people are the same” is false. Each experience is fulfilling in its own way and is dependent upon the needs and desires of the individuals involved. Let’s take a closer look at the most common CNM relationship styles.
Open Couplehood (swinging)
Swinging is the most recognized form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and typically has the least amount of intimate or personal connection required when engaging other CNM individuals/couples. Maybe you have heard of “hookup culture” or the idea of casual sex, which is most prevalent within younger adult sexual exploration and development. Swinging is most aligned with casual sex and hooking up. Swingers can have a single, one-off fuck sessions as well as regular, non-emotionally committed hookups with the same people. The primary difference in this form of CNM versus the others is that there appears to be less need or desire for emotional connection with sexual partners. We have seen many profiles on CNM dating websites describing a preference to not be with “bed notchers.” Swinging is indeed closest to the casual sex hookup approach to CNM which looks a lot to some as “bed notching.” It is a valid form of CNM but might not be for everyone. Even during swinging activities, the primary relationship remains pivotal in guiding “rules” and expectations related to casual sex with previously unknown partners or CNM friends. The guiding principle is that intimacy and “feelings” are discouraged as it might somehow threaten the primary relationship. This is, of course, not always the case, but we have heard a lot about jealousy that ended swinging, casual sex experiences for those trying out CNM experiences. Jealousy can, and often does, lessen as communication and trust develops within the primary relationship over time.
*Pro tip: Feelings cannot be avoided. You are human. Our minds, bodies, and social connections are integrated into our human nature. You are not somebody’s unworthy cum bucket (kink exceptions noted) so we never recommend putting rules in place that “avoid feelings.” Sociopaths do not have feelings. You and the people you’re fucking have feelings. Be human and you will enjoy the casual sex experience more. Further, being human and humane towards your casual sex partner(s) lessens the likelihood of a negative and potentially assaultive experience. Acknowledge the feelings you had within any given experience with your primary partner(s) to strengthen your relationships.
Open Couplehood (Friends-with-Benefits (FWB))
Friends with benefits (FWB) are often described as friends engaging in sexual behavior without an expected monogamous relationship1 and are different than casual sex encounters1. Friends are, of course, much more “intimate” or have a closer emotional connection to us than casual sex partners. There may be non-sexual activities that take place for those with CNM friends. We have many CNM friends who go boating together or simply go to dinner on occasion without an expectation of sex. However, FWB relationships do primarily revolve around sexual encounters and, because of the time invested in relationship-building activities and, in some cases, a reduced desire to seek out other CNM relationships2, FWB relationships are more emotionally intimate by nature. And FWB relationships are not limited necessarily to just one secondary individual(s) relationship. There may be many different types of FWB configurations that remain less “romantic” or “committed” in nature while others may become very emotionally intimate and connected. So, again there are many different configurations within this category.
FWB relationships that become non-sexual commonly continue once sexual encounters end2. These FWB configurations are less sexual and more emotionally connected. They can, of course, be sexual again with varying degrees of frequency. The key here is that FWB can be both sexual or non-sexual and have an increased level of intimacy or connectivity than CNM swinging. Depending on the level of intimacy or connection that may develop between an individual and a FWB/FWBs, there can be challenges to the identity of the primary couple2. Concerns that FWB relationships can develop into more than just a FWB relationship can generate fears of loss or change in the primary relationship. The key to managing this is communication and transparency about those fears and discussing the benefits of the various FWB relationships that you may have with your primary partner(s). If we can accept that our ability to be intimate and have “feelings” for others is perfectly normal and not a threat to the primary relationship, then the primary relationship can continue to grow and strengthen.
*Pro tip: Monogamous relationship also end due to one person “falling in love” with someone else, “cheating,” or just growing apart. This has nothing to do with the CNM itself. Do not expect CNM experiences to fix a relationship that is struggling because it will not happen. While we recommend lifestyle-friendly therapy for relationship problems, we encourage exploring your desires and fantasies, as well as your fears and insecurities, before jumping into a CNM experiences. Once you start exploring these personal emotions first, then begin to dabble (e.g., date, go to the club, get an anonymous naughty Twitter/X account). And share your experiences with your primary partner as frequently as you can. Over time, concerns and fears begin to fade or, at minimum, can be navigated safely with your primary partner(s). What we have learned is that you can have a lot of “love,” connection and attachment to many, many FWB. There’s simply not an endless supply. Most of the fears or perceived threats to the primary relationship are based on years of being told you are monogamous (you are not) and that there is only one love for us in our lives (we all know better). Embrace your ability to love and attach to many knowing that, if you are transparent and communicate with your primary partner, your CNM lifestyle experience will rewarding beyond measure. Polyamorists understand this better than most.
Polyamory
“Polyamory is the practice of having multiple emotionally close relationships that may or may not be sexual,”3. Polyamory is, in essence, the lifestyle of loving and attaching to others, even many others. There appear to be typically two types of poly relationships: 1) hierarchical with the primary relationship being prioritized and secondary relationships less prioritized; and 2) non-hierarchical where there is no distinction between a primary or secondary relationship. Hierarchical relationships look a lot closer to the FWB model (again a spectrum) but with more intimacy and closeness in the secondary relationships. In non-hierarchical polyamory we find relationships that look a lot more like monogamous relationships (3) in that the poly pod (as some call it) may share resources, parenting, housing, and may have their day-to-day lives more fully integrated. Polyamorous relationships may become more closed to individuals outside the poly pod, regardless of hierarchical design, because there is a higher demand and need for intimacy, closeness, connection, and feelings of love. We should also note that people who consider themselves single, but in numerous relationships, may describe themselves or their relationship style as “solo poly.”
*Pro tip: Individuals who identify more as poly and prefer more intimate connection with their sexual partners does not exclude them from the CNM spectrum because they may engage in swinging and/or FWB interactions. However, people who are poly truly tend to need a deeper emotional, intimate connection than can be offered in a casual sex scenario. Love and intimacy are often pivotal in rewarding poly relationships whether sex is involved or not. In this regard, many FWB relationships can look a lot closer to the polyamorous form of relationships depending on what is desired and preferred by the members of the relationship group. The key is…wait for it….communication. Talk to potential partners, whether its casual swinging, FWB, or polyamory to have a sense of what your partner needs and desires for a positive sexual and/or intimate experience . We are not sociopaths, so get to know each other!
Monogamish
Monogamish was first coined by American author Dan Savage to describe his long-term relationship where he and his partner were in a committed relationship with occasional encounters outside their primary relationship. We have heard this described as “the kitchen pass” relationship model where one or each of the members of a relationship has periodic or situational permission to engage sexually with another person. The most common example that we have heard is the “conference pass” where a person traveling for conferences can play with others while away from home. Alternatively, the person at home can play while their partner is away on a trip or at a conference. As with the other CNM relationship styles, this approach requires clear communication of expectations regarding the connections made outside of the primary relationship. A key difference in this relationship style is that the couple is not opening the relationship up, so to speak. Rather it remains primarily monogamous with exceptions. Open couplehood styles are more nonmonogamous while still honoring the primary relationship. In many ways it boils down to personality, attachment styles, and needs of the individuals involved and personal needs.
Benefits of CNM
Regardless of the CNM relationship and experiences preferred, which can evolve and change over time, there is a growing amount of research showing the benefits of having CNM relationships. There appears to be strengthened communication between primary partners, reduced jealousy and increased compersion, higher level of personal body image satisfaction, psychological well-being, and increased arousal and desire. (see list of references). Living within a CNM relationship remains a societal stigma though we have seen some recent science that CNM is being more accepted and less misunderstood. Still, relationships with family, friends, and co-workers can be challenged for those who are open about their lifestyle choice. How any individual shares their relationship style(s) is personal. What we have found in our own relationship is that the benefit of living our CNM life has been powerfully positive for us personally as well as within our relationship.
Want to explore open? Let us know if we can support you on your journey with coaching. Tell us what other posts would help you on your journey.
References
- Furman, W., & Shaffer, L. (2011). Romantic partners, friends, friends with benefits, and casual acquaintances as sexual partners. Journal of Sex Research, 48(6), 554-564.
- Owen, J., Fincham, F.D., & Polser, G. (2016). Couple identity, sacrifice, and availability of alternative partners: Dedication in friends with benefits relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 1785-1791.
- Balzarini, R.N., Dharma, C., Kohut, T., Campbell, L., Lehmiller, J.J., Harman, J.J., & Holmes, B.M. (2019). Comparing relationship quality across different types of romantic partners in polyamourous and monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48, 1749-177.
Additional Reading
Balzarini, R. N., McDonald, J., Kohut, T., Lehmiller, J. J., Holmes, B. M., & Harman, J. J. (2020, November 11). Compersion: When Jealousy-inducing Situations Don’t (Just) Induce Jealousy. https://doi.org/10.31234/osf.io/k3tzf
Balzarini, R.N., Campbell, L., Kohut, T., Holmes, B.M., Lehmiller, J.J., Harman, J.J., et al. (2017). Percpetions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory, PLoS ONE 12(5); e0177841. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0177841
Openogamy.com 